After the beep

I feel like I should change my voicemail greeting to something like this:

"Hi this is Brian, I can't answer my phone right now but that probably doesn't matter to you. You must think that by just calling me I'm going to pick up my phone, see that you called, and automatically call you back. Don't worry, I don't have anything better to do with my time, and I like returning every missed call whether I recognize the number or not. Nothing appeals to me more than awkwardly saying, 'who is this and why did you call me,' when you answer the phone. So please hang up now and wait impatiently by the phone for me to call you back."

The only thing that bugs me more, and my hypocrisy is evident, is when I get a message that simply says, "Hi, it's me, call me back." That's even more useless than not leaving a message at all. Is it that much harder to say, "Hi, it's me, Brian, I need to talk to you about _______, call me back," something that takes about 5 whole seconds more to say but reveals 100 times more information?

I envy visual voicemail, if only I had an iPhone.